richard allen

empathy

For the longest time,  I thought I was a very empathetic person.

I thought…
I thought that I was a great listener, a solid friend, and an apt problem solver.

Ah.
There it is.

That “problem-solver” quality that plagues many of my male friends is also one of my major roadblocks when attempting to build stronger connections with others.  Sometimes, fixing it really isn’t what your friend needs. What they need is for you to understand, to show that their feelings are validated, to let them know that it is okay to be angry, frustrated or unhappy.  They need you to crawl into their situation, be there with them for a moment, and share it.

And this is so powerful.

I also was confused about the difference between empathy and sympathy.  I have lived a unique and diverse life, full of experience, and sometimes I am a little too eager to say “I know what you mean!  Like this one time, when I was blah blah blah… ”

Empathy is not about you, the speaker, but always about whomever you are listening to.  Sympathy does the reverse, and puts the speaker first.   Deflecting the focus back to yourself only further isolates your friend, lover or colleague, and even though your actions are still well intentioned, they will probably feel like you don’t care about their problem, and that you just want to talk about yourself.  Empathy is something that let’s someone know that you are loyal, that validates their feelings, that lets the person you are with understand that you are on their side, and that you recognize that they are going through something.

When it comes to empathy, I generally feel like I’m terrible.  I have this intense desire to fix things and make them better. I don’t even realize I do this, which is the worst.  I want to let my friends and loved ones know that I understand, that I am have been in their boat, that it is going to be okay, that there is a way out, and I can help.  This person isn’t quite ready for that, and I probably end up distancing myself further from the person I am trying help. Terrible.

If there is one personal quality I want to improve this year, it is to become more empathetic and selfless.  If you interact with me outside of the internet, you may notice that I might move from a slightly sympathetic tone to one of deeper empathetic listening as I begin to catch myself. You might also need to remind me.  Being more human isn’t an easy task.

Are you generally empathetic or sympathetic? How do you practice empathy?

jumping ship, and not doing it

I suppose I should probably weigh in on the recent funding cuts to Katimavik.

I have been reflecting deeply on the meaning of these, as well as what it means for the program and the wonderful people involved in it, and I have some sort of written expression brewing, but it’s not quite ready to serve.  There are some initial thoughts posted at paulbien.com to hold you over until then.

Before you go,  I should address my last post, about leaving my job.   You have to understand that when I wrote that post, I had no idea these cuts were coming down the line, and that the organization certainly did not expect to be completely dismantled either.   The news of the cuts certainly left me feeling a bit like a jerk, and definitely made it look like I saw the iceberg coming, dropped my lifeboat, and rowed off just in time.  After all, I had gone very public with my departure, because I did see it as a positive choice for maintaining the integrity of the organization.  That being said,  I will now be completing my contract until the end of June, when our programs will finish as well.  Which means I will get to sail with this ship until we’ve run aground.

I’m grateful for that opportunity. (But I am still looking for a new job…)

Also. As mentioned previously, I have posted something at paulbien.com.

And I am contributing to the conversation on Twitter and on Facebook.

You should too.

I am leaving my job and it is okay to talk about it

Warning: This promises to be a long winded, train-of-thought type post.

So if you are browsing the Katimavik website, you’ll find my job, Project Coordinator – Greater Toronto Area, posted. If you are looking for a fun, challenging, interesting and role serving both leadership and administration to a fantastic and dynamic youth program, you should apply for it.

It seems a bit strange that I am being so open about leaving.  I think that openness about a great opportunity can only benefit the organization by getting the word out there, and benefit the applicants, who can reach out and discuss with me about whether or not this would be a good fit.  I realize that it is rare someone is in a position to be this candid, but I am leaving the position feeling great about my contributions to the program and the experiences I have had because of my time spent with Katimavik.   It has helped shape the human I have become.

I think my generation of career building has a different flavour than generations previous. It is expected and statistical fact that I, and others like me, will serve many careers in our lifetimes (See “the 4-year career“). This situation is slightly different than what my mother experienced, who has worked for the same organisation almost 40 years, and will be retiring with a pension next year.

In “old world” organizations were competive with not just salaries, but long term benefits packages – dental, drugs, eyeware, etc. Let’s not forget pensions. If you stuck around were rewarded with consistent perks and raises for your loyalty, something that was the most important attribute in hiring and retaining employees.  These things, including that traditional sense of loyalty, seem like pipe dreams to me, especially in the Not For Profit side of things. Organizations that rely on donors and granting bodies for funding simply find it harder and harder to invest in the long term health and satisfaction of their employees, as pressure continues to force these companies to lower “overhead” or “administration” costs.

Pensions and benefits packages in the public sector appear to be a major factor in overwhelming municipal debt. Even massive for-profit organizations like GM struggle to pay pensions to thousands of retired workers as their financial models shake beneath their enormous capitalist weight. I thought these were the organizations we looked to for guidance in troubled times?   The market will provide?  In this reality, how can I reasonably approach my success in life by tying my hopes with long term commitment to a single organization?  The game has changed, and now their are many different parts to play.

Often,in a hierarchical organization built on rules and structure, a departure feels like a betrayal.  Managers and colleagues are shocked that someone has been secretly job hunting while at work, avoiding their boss, deadlines or commitments, and submit their two weeks notice in sudden and desperate move to escape. It can still be like that in a lot of places, which is unfortunate, but expected – even though it is always jarring.  As our world becomes more global, more social, more competive, your past can’t be filled with unhappy relationships as they now will haunt you forever (thanks Facebook) Even resumes are slowly losing out – we have to work at providing keywords and SEO just to make it to the HR managers desk. I’m not sure I like that. I’ve been working to improve my presence on LinkedIn and have been using new tools like Indeed to seek out potential new opportunities.

I may have lost my point above, so I will now summarize.

I can talk about leaving my job because in our current climate of change and innovation, it should be expected that I leave my job at some point. My interests, strengths and priorities will shift through life, and while I may not get a pension, I do have the privilege to shift with them.  I have the enormous luck and ability to choose how I live my life, how I will contribute to society, and if that is through employment.   There are still millions of people who don’t get to make this choice.

I think I should talk about this job, because it’s a great position, that might be a great fit for someone to be challenged by for 3 or 4 years. By talking about it, more people will have a chance to hear about it, think about it, apply for it. The increase in applications will hopefully result in an easy fit or match for Katimavik and our programs will continue smoothly in Toronto, Hamilton, Guelph and Brantford.  I’m hoping to stick around long enough to provide a significant bridge and mentorship to the new staff member, and I’m hoping that will only strengthen our expanding network of talent across Canada.

I could be wrong about all of this.  But I could be right.

storming

Most of the four Katimavik groups I work with are currently caught in that amazing, tumultuous and terrifying stage of group development known as “the storming phase.” The last two weeks have been filled with volunteers getting into interpersonal battles, challenging their leaders, testing the rules of the program, threatening to leave the program, actually quitting, or simply not participating anymore. It can be exhausting for everyone.

This stage usually hits a group after they’ve gotten comfortable with each other enough to let down their defences, to get lazy with their habits, or develop the need to address the annoying things about each other that they used to be able to ignore.

This is the second stage of the five stage process – the first being Forming, where the group needs structure and guidance as they learn about each other. The third stage is Norming -where the group starts to function without outside guidance.  In the fourth stage, Performing, the group is able to achieve its objectives autonomously.  At some point, the group will change, grow, or part ways – the time leading up to this is known as Adjourning.

Back to the storm though. It’s easy to get stuck in these troubled waters without careful intervention. Feelings need to be validated. The group and the leader need to create venues for sharing and open listening, where all involved can suspend judgement. It can be helpful to look to the group members for solutions. It is important for the leader to move the group to find their common values, and to work from there.  Once common ground is established, the bonds between group members can be strengthened, and understanding can be sought.

The staff team I work with employs the “rock talk,” a method similar to the conch shell. In this, the group has a carefully selected rock which serves as the microphone. The person using the rock is the only one who can speak, and all others must listen. All that is said, must be said with love and trust.  The rock rotates through the circle allowing each person a chance to speak.  The talk continues until nobody has anything left to say, and the rock has passed silently around.  This active listening establishes a safe space for feelings, issues and worries.

Storming is a a natural part of group development – learning to recognize this and adapt to address it helps a group deal with their issues.  If a facilitator and group do not recognize the storm…. they could be caught in it for a very… long…. time.

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